The two rival cricketers were talking. 'The local team wants me to play for them very badly.'
'Well, you're just the man for the job.'
The Judge asks the little girl:
Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live
with your mummy?
Girl - No, my mummy beats me.
Judge - Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
Girl- No, my daddy beats me too.
Judge - Well then, who do you want to live with?
Girl - I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody !!!
During the match, the fieldsman positioned just behind the umpire kept trying to distract the batsman as the ball was bowled to him. Several appeals for L.B.W were turned down, and finally the umpire turned to the fieldsman and said sternly:
"I've been watching you for the last twenty minutes."
"I thought so," came the reply, "I could tell you weren't watching the game!"
The captain looked at his ageing batsman. 'You know,' he said, 'it's a pity you didn't take up the game sooner.'
'You mean I'd be better now?'
'No. You'd have given it up long ago!'
'I'm very nervous about my first game for this team.'
'Why?'
'Well, they might all be great players.'
'Don't worry. If they were any good, they wouldn't be playing with you!'
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Sourav Dada
Q. Dada teaching kids ABC...
A A for Awkward bounce, B for Bowled, C for caught, D for Dismissed...
Q. What is the similarity between 100m race and Dada's innings?
A. Both take same time to complete, about 10 seconds.
Q. Easiest way to get Dada out?
A. Just bowl to him — he will get out anyway.
Q. How does Dada score a century in cricket?
A. By bowling 10 overs, he will give away 100 runs.
Q. Which is the best team in the world?
A. India — plays with ten people (Dada can’t bat, bowl or field) and still wins sometimes.
Q. What should Dada do after retirement?
A. Become catching coach, he offers the best catch practice in international cricket.
Q. Why did Dada decide to donate his bat?
A. He doesn't use it anyway.
Q. Who can beat Dada's record of two minutes at the crease?
A. Dada himself, if he can improve his running speed.
A A for Awkward bounce, B for Bowled, C for caught, D for Dismissed...
Q. What is the similarity between 100m race and Dada's innings?
A. Both take same time to complete, about 10 seconds.
Q. Easiest way to get Dada out?
A. Just bowl to him — he will get out anyway.
Q. How does Dada score a century in cricket?
A. By bowling 10 overs, he will give away 100 runs.
Q. Which is the best team in the world?
A. India — plays with ten people (Dada can’t bat, bowl or field) and still wins sometimes.
Q. What should Dada do after retirement?
A. Become catching coach, he offers the best catch practice in international cricket.
Q. Why did Dada decide to donate his bat?
A. He doesn't use it anyway.
Q. Who can beat Dada's record of two minutes at the crease?
A. Dada himself, if he can improve his running speed.
England vs Brazil match
It's just before the England vs Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England They're shite and we can't be bothered."
Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself... you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen read" Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!
A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."
They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium ' Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1(Lampard 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate
Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes....!!"
What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England They're shite and we can't be bothered."
Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself... you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen read" Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!
A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."
They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium ' Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1(Lampard 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate
Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes....!!"
David Beckham
Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and earth.
God, always fair, told the devil, 'The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the "good" players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs'..."
David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
David Beckham recently bought a sleeping bag.
It took him weeks to wake it up.
Q: What do you call a laughing footballer?
A: Ryan Giggles!
He wore number 53. Unfortunately, that was his combined SAT score.
They call it their nickel defense, because that's what it's worth
A: They both come in a posh box
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and earth.
God, always fair, told the devil, 'The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the "good" players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs'..."
David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
David Beckham recently bought a sleeping bag.
It took him weeks to wake it up.
Q: What do you call a laughing footballer?
A: Ryan Giggles!
He wore number 53. Unfortunately, that was his combined SAT score.
They call it their nickel defense, because that's what it's worth
10 reasons not to jog
This is for those of you who hate exercising:
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
England coach
Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?
A. So they can at least say they passed a century.
The two clubmen were talking. "So you had a hard time explaining the cricket game to your wife, eh?" ''I certainly did. She found out I wasn't there."
In a local match, the umpire was being jeered and heckled unmercifully from the crowd. At length he walked over to the boundary and sat down next to his chief critic. "What are you doing?" asked the spectator. "Well," said the umpire,"it seems you get the best view from here."
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?
A. So they can at least say they passed a century.
The two clubmen were talking. "So you had a hard time explaining the cricket game to your wife, eh?" ''I certainly did. She found out I wasn't there."
In a local match, the umpire was being jeered and heckled unmercifully from the crowd. At length he walked over to the boundary and sat down next to his chief critic. "What are you doing?" asked the spectator. "Well," said the umpire,"it seems you get the best view from here."
Middle of a hat-trick
The batsman was out on first ball. On the long walk back to the pavilion he had to pass the incoming batsman, a supercilious rival. 'Hard luck, old man,' smirked the newcomer. 'Yes. It's a shame I had to be right in the middle of a hat trick.
An American who knew nothing of the game had been taken to a few cricket matches by a friend and was now studying the end-of-season averages. Every now and then he came across an asterisk and the words: 'Signifies not out.' Finally, he turned to his friend and said: 'Why don't you get this guy Signifies to play for your side? He's never out!'
Back in the pavilion, the batsman was talking to a team mate. 'I can't understand it,' he said 'The ball hit my head and the wicket-keeper caught it, but the umpire gave me out. His friend looked sympathetic. 'Sometimes they go by sound.'
The cricket fan had dragged his wife and child along to the ground to watch the local side. He watched with interest, but they were plainly bored and shifted uncomfortably in their seats. The child brightened and turned to the mother. 'They just shouted 'Over', she said. 'I know.' replied her mother, wearily, 'but don't take any notice. It goes on and on and on.'
'I'm proud to say that in thirty years of playing cricket, I've never scored less than twenty five runs and never taken less than three wickets,' said George. 'I wish I could say that,' said Ted. Harry spoke up. 'Well, why don't you? George just did!'
An American who knew nothing of the game had been taken to a few cricket matches by a friend and was now studying the end-of-season averages. Every now and then he came across an asterisk and the words: 'Signifies not out.' Finally, he turned to his friend and said: 'Why don't you get this guy Signifies to play for your side? He's never out!'
Back in the pavilion, the batsman was talking to a team mate. 'I can't understand it,' he said 'The ball hit my head and the wicket-keeper caught it, but the umpire gave me out. His friend looked sympathetic. 'Sometimes they go by sound.'
The cricket fan had dragged his wife and child along to the ground to watch the local side. He watched with interest, but they were plainly bored and shifted uncomfortably in their seats. The child brightened and turned to the mother. 'They just shouted 'Over', she said. 'I know.' replied her mother, wearily, 'but don't take any notice. It goes on and on and on.'
'I'm proud to say that in thirty years of playing cricket, I've never scored less than twenty five runs and never taken less than three wickets,' said George. 'I wish I could say that,' said Ted. Harry spoke up. 'Well, why don't you? George just did!'
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
Q: Why did the football coach go to the bank?
A: To get his Quarter back.
Q: Why are football stadiums always cool?
A: Because they're full of fans.
Q: How many Vikings does it take to win a Superbowl?
A: No one knows, and we may never find out!
One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
Q: Why did the football coach go to the bank?
A: To get his Quarter back.
Q: Why are football stadiums always cool?
A: Because they're full of fans.
Q: How many Vikings does it take to win a Superbowl?
A: No one knows, and we may never find out!
Bowled over by cricket
An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lord's cricket ground. "How's it going?" he asked. "Fine," came the answer,"We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."
In a calmer moment, Arun and his wife were sitting at home. Arun was as usual reading some bowling averages. "Do you remember the day you proposed at the cricket match?" said she romantically. "You were bold." "No I wasn't," muttered Arun,"I was caught and bowled!"
Q: Prasad asks Kumble to bring a Pepsi... Kumble brings a bottle of Pepsi but goes directly to Tendulkar. Why?
Ans: Tendulkar is an opener.
After the World cup, Saurav Ganguly has a head-on with Ricky Ponting. And Ponting says- "Humare paas Brett Lee hai, Glenn McGrath hai, aura ab toh World Cup bhi hai. Tumhare paas kya hai?" Ganguly replies "Humaare paas?? Humare paas...Ma hai. Sehwag ki Ma!!"
The wicket-keeper had a high opinion of himself and was very free with his advice to the captain. "You know," he said, "You've picked two men who should never be in the side." "Oh really," said the captain icily, "and who's the other one?"
In a village match, one of the batsmen received a fast ball which caught him in the mouth and broke several teeth. The next year, in the return match, he faced the same bowler. "I hope you're not after my teeth this year," he said. "No," grinned the bowler, "this time it's the stumps I'm after!"
The toothless victim was emerging from the anaesthetic. As he came to his senses, he saw the dentist packing up to go to the cricket ground for the afternoon. 'Not a bad morning's work, eh?' said the dentist, cheekily. "All out before lunch!"
Amit's wife rang the cricket club - "Sorry he's just gone in to bat, shall I get him to ring you back?" asked the barman. "No," she said "I'll hang on!"
In a calmer moment, Arun and his wife were sitting at home. Arun was as usual reading some bowling averages. "Do you remember the day you proposed at the cricket match?" said she romantically. "You were bold." "No I wasn't," muttered Arun,"I was caught and bowled!"
Q: Prasad asks Kumble to bring a Pepsi... Kumble brings a bottle of Pepsi but goes directly to Tendulkar. Why?
Ans: Tendulkar is an opener.
After the World cup, Saurav Ganguly has a head-on with Ricky Ponting. And Ponting says- "Humare paas Brett Lee hai, Glenn McGrath hai, aura ab toh World Cup bhi hai. Tumhare paas kya hai?" Ganguly replies "Humaare paas?? Humare paas...Ma hai. Sehwag ki Ma!!"
The wicket-keeper had a high opinion of himself and was very free with his advice to the captain. "You know," he said, "You've picked two men who should never be in the side." "Oh really," said the captain icily, "and who's the other one?"
In a village match, one of the batsmen received a fast ball which caught him in the mouth and broke several teeth. The next year, in the return match, he faced the same bowler. "I hope you're not after my teeth this year," he said. "No," grinned the bowler, "this time it's the stumps I'm after!"
The toothless victim was emerging from the anaesthetic. As he came to his senses, he saw the dentist packing up to go to the cricket ground for the afternoon. 'Not a bad morning's work, eh?' said the dentist, cheekily. "All out before lunch!"
Amit's wife rang the cricket club - "Sorry he's just gone in to bat, shall I get him to ring you back?" asked the barman. "No," she said "I'll hang on!"
10 things in golf that sound really, err, dirty...
So golf is supposedly a gentleman’s game, eh? Here we show you why the gentlemen really prefer golf!
The 10 things in golf that sound really, err, dirty... Enjoy!
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
The 10 things in golf that sound really, err, dirty... Enjoy!
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
Devils versus Angels cricket match
The Devils challenged the Angels to a game of cricket.
"But we've got all the cricketers," said the Angels.
"Yes. But we've got all the umpires!" exclaimed The Devils.
"But we've got all the cricketers," said the Angels.
"Yes. But we've got all the umpires!" exclaimed The Devils.
The cricketer and the psychiatrist
The cricketer was visiting the psychiatrist.
Cricketer: 'It's terrible. I can't score runs, I'm a terrible bowler, and I can't hold a catch. What can l do?
Doctor: 'Get another job.'
Cricketer: 'I can't. I'm playing for England tomorrow!'
Cricketer: 'It's terrible. I can't score runs, I'm a terrible bowler, and I can't hold a catch. What can l do?
Doctor: 'Get another job.'
Cricketer: 'I can't. I'm playing for England tomorrow!'
Cricket explained
You have two sides one out in the field and one in.
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.
When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When both sides have been in and out including the not outs, THAT'S THE END OF THE GAME !
HOWZAT !!!!!
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.
When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When both sides have been in and out including the not outs, THAT'S THE END OF THE GAME !
HOWZAT !!!!!
Way too much wrestling...
You watch way too much wrestling when.......
On your resume you write "I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be".
You call a beer by your name.
Instead of hugging relatives you give them bear hugs and mandible claws.
You begin to shake someone's hand in public, but then hesistate to look for the crowd's response.
You tell your significant other, "Not tonight, I'm watching RAW".
Every time you sit down a table you consider how easily it might break if you were to moonsault it.
You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.
On a job application, you state your residence as "parts unknown".
After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back.
You clothesline people in the supermarket for no real reason.
You do heel turns on your best friends for no reason.
You don't understand why there are wars when a steel-cage/grudge match would settle everything.
Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.
Instead of punishing your kids by grounding them, you threaten them with stunners, choke slams and tombstones.
When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.
You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask.
Your boss fires you and you come back to work and challenge him to a no-holds barred steel-cage wrestling match.
On your resume you write "I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be".
You call a beer by your name.
Instead of hugging relatives you give them bear hugs and mandible claws.
You begin to shake someone's hand in public, but then hesistate to look for the crowd's response.
You tell your significant other, "Not tonight, I'm watching RAW".
Every time you sit down a table you consider how easily it might break if you were to moonsault it.
You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.
On a job application, you state your residence as "parts unknown".
After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back.
You clothesline people in the supermarket for no real reason.
You do heel turns on your best friends for no reason.
You don't understand why there are wars when a steel-cage/grudge match would settle everything.
Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.
Instead of punishing your kids by grounding them, you threaten them with stunners, choke slams and tombstones.
When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.
You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask.
Your boss fires you and you come back to work and challenge him to a no-holds barred steel-cage wrestling match.
How was I out?
Batsman: “How was I out?”
Umpire: “Why don’t you look in the paper tomorrow?”
Batsman: “You look, I’m the editor!”
“That was the best innings I ever played,” said the young man. “Well!” said his captain, “you mustn’t let that discourage you.”
What’s the difference between the Indian team and a tea-bag? The tea-bag stays in the cup longer!
What’s the difference between Nasser Hussain and Saddam Hussein?
Saddam Hussein has more victories.
Why was Md.Kaif not getting a chance to play for the Indian team, though brimming with talent? Because he is from Luck’no’w!
Umpire: “Why don’t you look in the paper tomorrow?”
Batsman: “You look, I’m the editor!”
“That was the best innings I ever played,” said the young man. “Well!” said his captain, “you mustn’t let that discourage you.”
What’s the difference between the Indian team and a tea-bag? The tea-bag stays in the cup longer!
What’s the difference between Nasser Hussain and Saddam Hussein?
Saddam Hussein has more victories.
Why was Md.Kaif not getting a chance to play for the Indian team, though brimming with talent? Because he is from Luck’no’w!
Pehchana nahin
Sehwag's wife wants him to go to the market, but Sehwag is afraid to venture out in public. He feels people will go after him for his dismal performance on the field with the willow. So he does go to the market dressed as a woman. There, a beautiful woman comes up to him and says,"Kya Sehwag, kaise ho?" surprised Sehwag asks,"How do you know? The woman says ,"Pehchana nahin? Mein Sachin!"
What is common to a 100 mtrs race and Ganguly’s innings?
Ans: They both last for the same time.
How can you say “Get Out” to Ganguly politely?
Ans: Ask him to go to bat.
If Rahul is “The Wall”, what is Ganguly?
Ans: The hole in the wall.
How can Ganguly save time everyday?
Ans: By not bothering to pad up.
Best-seller by Ganguly: Back to the Pavillion in 2 minutes.
What's Ganguly's favourite bird?
Ans: Duck.
What is common to a 100 mtrs race and Ganguly’s innings?
Ans: They both last for the same time.
How can you say “Get Out” to Ganguly politely?
Ans: Ask him to go to bat.
If Rahul is “The Wall”, what is Ganguly?
Ans: The hole in the wall.
How can Ganguly save time everyday?
Ans: By not bothering to pad up.
Best-seller by Ganguly: Back to the Pavillion in 2 minutes.
What's Ganguly's favourite bird?
Ans: Duck.
Skipper
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper!
What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea!
Where do footballers dance?
At a football!
What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil nuts!
Which football team loves ice-cream?
Aston Vanilla!
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
It was a cup draw!
Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
The bored room!
He was the skipper!
What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea!
Where do footballers dance?
At a football!
What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil nuts!
Which football team loves ice-cream?
Aston Vanilla!
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
It was a cup draw!
Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
The bored room!
Tennis player
You should never marry a tennis player, because to them love means nothing.
What did one tennis ball say to the other tennis ball?
"See you round..."
Q: What did the tennis ball say when it got hit?
A: Who's making all the racquet?
Q: What do you serve but not eat?
A: A Tennis Ball.
A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine, " the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'" "Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks. "Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding!'"
What did one tennis ball say to the other tennis ball?
"See you round..."
Q: What did the tennis ball say when it got hit?
A: Who's making all the racquet?
Q: What do you serve but not eat?
A: A Tennis Ball.
A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine, " the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'" "Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks. "Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding!'"
Go by sound
Back in the pavilion, the batsman was talking to a team mate. 'I can't understand it,' he said, 'The ball hit my head and the wicket-keeper caught it, but the umpire gave me out’. His friend looked sympathetic. 'Sometimes they go by sound.'
Just before the match, the secretary received a message in his office. There's an umpire down here with two friends. Wants to know if they can come in.'
'No,' replied the secretary , 'the man's obviously lying.'
'How do you make that out?'
'Whoever heard of an umpire with two friends.'
The businessman was talking to his friend on the train home after a hard day.
'What a day I've had,' he said.
'One of the office boys asked for the afternoon off to go to his grandmother's funeral. I thought I was on to him, and went along, too.'
'Good idea,' said his friend. 'How was the match?'
'That's where I lost out. It was his grandmother's funeral!'
The young man was at a dinner party with a pretty girl, but spent the entire evening talking of nothing but cricket. He described all the matches he had played in great detail, how many runs he had scored and so on. Eventually, he stopped and said, 'this must be boring for you, me talking of cricket all the time.'
'Not at all,' she said. 'Tell me, what is cricket?'
Just before the match, the secretary received a message in his office. There's an umpire down here with two friends. Wants to know if they can come in.'
'No,' replied the secretary , 'the man's obviously lying.'
'How do you make that out?'
'Whoever heard of an umpire with two friends.'
The businessman was talking to his friend on the train home after a hard day.
'What a day I've had,' he said.
'One of the office boys asked for the afternoon off to go to his grandmother's funeral. I thought I was on to him, and went along, too.'
'Good idea,' said his friend. 'How was the match?'
'That's where I lost out. It was his grandmother's funeral!'
The young man was at a dinner party with a pretty girl, but spent the entire evening talking of nothing but cricket. He described all the matches he had played in great detail, how many runs he had scored and so on. Eventually, he stopped and said, 'this must be boring for you, me talking of cricket all the time.'
'Not at all,' she said. 'Tell me, what is cricket?'
Football versus maths
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed maths, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a maths question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and give me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.
Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming..., "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
Two rival cricketers were talking.
'The local team wants me to play for them very badly.'
'Well, you're just the right man for the job.'
The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and give me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.
Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming..., "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
Two rival cricketers were talking.
'The local team wants me to play for them very badly.'
'Well, you're just the right man for the job.'
College exam for football players
College Exam for Football Players
Time Limit: One Month
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d)WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
(a) Bed time (b) 5:00 (c) am or pm? (d) Happy hour
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) foreigners
9. Spell - Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky (e) Prince
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a)Yes (b) no (c) He wasn't my relative
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium-OR- Just spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Europe
18. Advanced maths.
If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
Time Limit: One Month
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d)WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
(a) Bed time (b) 5:00 (c) am or pm? (d) Happy hour
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) foreigners
9. Spell - Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky (e) Prince
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a)Yes (b) no (c) He wasn't my relative
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium-OR- Just spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Europe
18. Advanced maths.
If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
Shayari ka naya andaaz
Ye kala rang aapka khuda ki dein hai
Ye kala rang aapka khuda ki dein hai
Woh to til bana raha tha ki syahi phisal gayi!
Kaash ki tumhare chehre par chachak ke daag hote
Kaash ki tumhare chehre par chachak ke daag hote
Chaand to tum ho hi sitare bhi saath hote!
Yahan khuda, wahan khuda,
Yahan khuda, wahan khuda,
Yahan khuda, wahan khuda,
Aur jahan nahi khuda,
Wahan kaam chal raha hai.
Shaadi se pehle...
Dil chahta hai ki Taj Mahal banaun par Mumtaaz nahi milti
Shaadi ke baad...
Dil chahta hai ki taj Mahal banaun par Mumtaaz nahi marti!
Wo aye hamari kabar par diya bujha ke chal diye,
Wo aaye humari kabar par diya bujha ke chal diye,
Diye mein jitna tel tha...
Sar par laga kar chal diye.
Ye kala rang aapka khuda ki dein hai
Woh to til bana raha tha ki syahi phisal gayi!
Kaash ki tumhare chehre par chachak ke daag hote
Kaash ki tumhare chehre par chachak ke daag hote
Chaand to tum ho hi sitare bhi saath hote!
Yahan khuda, wahan khuda,
Yahan khuda, wahan khuda,
Yahan khuda, wahan khuda,
Aur jahan nahi khuda,
Wahan kaam chal raha hai.
Shaadi se pehle...
Dil chahta hai ki Taj Mahal banaun par Mumtaaz nahi milti
Shaadi ke baad...
Dil chahta hai ki taj Mahal banaun par Mumtaaz nahi marti!
Wo aye hamari kabar par diya bujha ke chal diye,
Wo aaye humari kabar par diya bujha ke chal diye,
Diye mein jitna tel tha...
Sar par laga kar chal diye.
Simple things in life
Raj: My sister’s boyfriend loves the simple things in life –that’s why he chose her!
You are so beautiful, sweet and faithful... It’s a pity I do not like animals!
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
Brains aren’t everything. In fact, in your case they are nothing.
You have a one-bit brain with a parity error.
I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works
You are so beautiful, sweet and faithful... It’s a pity I do not like animals!
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
Brains aren’t everything. In fact, in your case they are nothing.
You have a one-bit brain with a parity error.
I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works
The sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head
I like your approach... lets see your departure.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. But, the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.
I love your smile, your face and your eyes-Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
Every time I see your face I wish I were in outer space.
I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. But, the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.
I love your smile, your face and your eyes-Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
Every time I see your face I wish I were in outer space.
I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.
Silver spoon
He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and every time he goes to a restaurant, he tries to complete the set.
He’s so absent-minded, he slammed his wife and kissed the door.
Someday I hope 2 get married.... but not to you.
You look great for your age....almost lifelike!
Brain detector activated, calibrating, now searching...still searching... get a good grip of your mobile...still searching...no brains found
He’s so absent-minded, he slammed his wife and kissed the door.
Someday I hope 2 get married.... but not to you.
You look great for your age....almost lifelike!
Brain detector activated, calibrating, now searching...still searching... get a good grip of your mobile...still searching...no brains found
Have I seen you someplace?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Everything you are not...
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
This describes everything you are not.
Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
Never used it...
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
My opinion
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
Nobody's fool
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I am not interested
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
The brain
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
Don't let you mind wander
Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own.
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing.
He always finds himself lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory.
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing.
He always finds himself lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory.
Meaning of words
He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.
I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
These days he just exhausts himself grappling with temptation.
She could age herself by twenty years just by telling the truth.
I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
These days he just exhausts himself grappling with temptation.
She could age herself by twenty years just by telling the truth.
Brain transplant
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive
Mind like a steel trap
He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!
He is a living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
He is a living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
Good at telling lies
I love your smile, your face and your eyes-Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
Every time I see your face I wish I were in outer space.
He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and every time he goes to a restaurant, he tries to complete the set.
You look great for your age....almost lifelike!
Brain detector activated, calibrating, now searching...still searching... get a good grip of your mobile...still searching...no brains found.
Every time I see your face I wish I were in outer space.
He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and every time he goes to a restaurant, he tries to complete the set.
You look great for your age....almost lifelike!
Brain detector activated, calibrating, now searching...still searching... get a good grip of your mobile...still searching...no brains found.
top 21 things a indian do after returning from abrod
21. Tries to use his credit card in a road side hotel.
20. Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of being health
conscious.
19. Sprays deo so that he doesn't need to take bath.
18. Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'.
17. Says "Hey" instead of "Hi".
Says "Yogurt" instead of "Curd".
Says "Cab" instead of "Taxi".
Says "Candy" instead of "Chocolate".
Says "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit".
Says "Free Way" instead of "Highway".
Says "Got to go" instead of "Have to go".
16. Doesn't forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every
time he steps out of his house.
15. Says all the distances in Miles (not in kilometers), and counts in
Millions. (Not in Lakhs)
14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars.
13. Tries to see the percentage of fat on the cover of a milk packet.
12. When needs to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats "Zee"
several times, if the other person unable to understand, then he says X, Y
Zee.
11. Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY,
says "Oh! British Style!"
10. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions.
9. Even after 2 months, complaints about "Jet Lag".
8. Avoids eating more chilli and oil.
7. Tries to drink "Diet Coke", instead of Coke.
6. Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is experiencing
it for the first time.
5. Pronounces "schedule" as "skejule", and "module" as "mojule".
4. Looks suspiciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.
3. He doesn’t remove the airway stickers from his luggage
which he used when he travelled back to India, even after 4 months of arrival.
2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll
the bag on Indian Roads.
1. Tries to begin the conversation by saying...
"In US ...." or "When I was in US..."
20. Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of being health
conscious.
19. Sprays deo so that he doesn't need to take bath.
18. Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'.
17. Says "Hey" instead of "Hi".
Says "Yogurt" instead of "Curd".
Says "Cab" instead of "Taxi".
Says "Candy" instead of "Chocolate".
Says "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit".
Says "Free Way" instead of "Highway".
Says "Got to go" instead of "Have to go".
16. Doesn't forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every
time he steps out of his house.
15. Says all the distances in Miles (not in kilometers), and counts in
Millions. (Not in Lakhs)
14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars.
13. Tries to see the percentage of fat on the cover of a milk packet.
12. When needs to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats "Zee"
several times, if the other person unable to understand, then he says X, Y
Zee.
11. Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY,
says "Oh! British Style!"
10. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions.
9. Even after 2 months, complaints about "Jet Lag".
8. Avoids eating more chilli and oil.
7. Tries to drink "Diet Coke", instead of Coke.
6. Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is experiencing
it for the first time.
5. Pronounces "schedule" as "skejule", and "module" as "mojule".
4. Looks suspiciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.
3. He doesn’t remove the airway stickers from his luggage
which he used when he travelled back to India, even after 4 months of arrival.
2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll
the bag on Indian Roads.
1. Tries to begin the conversation by saying...
"In US ...." or "When I was in US..."
wife
A Noble Award winner dedicated a novel to his wife and wrote:"It's dedicated to my wife because in her absence I could complete this book"
desi
A Bihari goes to a movie hall and asks for two tickets,Do tho ticket dena, The person at the window tells him that there is a house full, so this Bihari says koi baat nahin do house full de do.
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