The two rival cricketers were talking. 'The local team wants me to play for them very badly.'
'Well, you're just the man for the job.'
The Judge asks the little girl:
Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live
with your mummy?
Girl - No, my mummy beats me.
Judge - Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
Girl- No, my daddy beats me too.
Judge - Well then, who do you want to live with?
Girl - I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody !!!
During the match, the fieldsman positioned just behind the umpire kept trying to distract the batsman as the ball was bowled to him. Several appeals for L.B.W were turned down, and finally the umpire turned to the fieldsman and said sternly:
"I've been watching you for the last twenty minutes."
"I thought so," came the reply, "I could tell you weren't watching the game!"
The captain looked at his ageing batsman. 'You know,' he said, 'it's a pity you didn't take up the game sooner.'
'You mean I'd be better now?'
'No. You'd have given it up long ago!'
'I'm very nervous about my first game for this team.'
'Why?'
'Well, they might all be great players.'
'Don't worry. If they were any good, they wouldn't be playing with you!'
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Sourav Dada
Q. Dada teaching kids ABC...
A A for Awkward bounce, B for Bowled, C for caught, D for Dismissed...
Q. What is the similarity between 100m race and Dada's innings?
A. Both take same time to complete, about 10 seconds.
Q. Easiest way to get Dada out?
A. Just bowl to him — he will get out anyway.
Q. How does Dada score a century in cricket?
A. By bowling 10 overs, he will give away 100 runs.
Q. Which is the best team in the world?
A. India — plays with ten people (Dada can’t bat, bowl or field) and still wins sometimes.
Q. What should Dada do after retirement?
A. Become catching coach, he offers the best catch practice in international cricket.
Q. Why did Dada decide to donate his bat?
A. He doesn't use it anyway.
Q. Who can beat Dada's record of two minutes at the crease?
A. Dada himself, if he can improve his running speed.
A A for Awkward bounce, B for Bowled, C for caught, D for Dismissed...
Q. What is the similarity between 100m race and Dada's innings?
A. Both take same time to complete, about 10 seconds.
Q. Easiest way to get Dada out?
A. Just bowl to him — he will get out anyway.
Q. How does Dada score a century in cricket?
A. By bowling 10 overs, he will give away 100 runs.
Q. Which is the best team in the world?
A. India — plays with ten people (Dada can’t bat, bowl or field) and still wins sometimes.
Q. What should Dada do after retirement?
A. Become catching coach, he offers the best catch practice in international cricket.
Q. Why did Dada decide to donate his bat?
A. He doesn't use it anyway.
Q. Who can beat Dada's record of two minutes at the crease?
A. Dada himself, if he can improve his running speed.
England vs Brazil match
It's just before the England vs Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England They're shite and we can't be bothered."
Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself... you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen read" Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!
A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."
They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium ' Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1(Lampard 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate
Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes....!!"
What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England They're shite and we can't be bothered."
Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself... you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen read" Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!
A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."
They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium ' Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1(Lampard 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate
Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes....!!"
David Beckham
Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and earth.
God, always fair, told the devil, 'The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the "good" players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs'..."
David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
David Beckham recently bought a sleeping bag.
It took him weeks to wake it up.
Q: What do you call a laughing footballer?
A: Ryan Giggles!
He wore number 53. Unfortunately, that was his combined SAT score.
They call it their nickel defense, because that's what it's worth
A: They both come in a posh box
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and earth.
God, always fair, told the devil, 'The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the "good" players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs'..."
David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
David Beckham recently bought a sleeping bag.
It took him weeks to wake it up.
Q: What do you call a laughing footballer?
A: Ryan Giggles!
He wore number 53. Unfortunately, that was his combined SAT score.
They call it their nickel defense, because that's what it's worth
10 reasons not to jog
This is for those of you who hate exercising:
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
England coach
Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?
A. So they can at least say they passed a century.
The two clubmen were talking. "So you had a hard time explaining the cricket game to your wife, eh?" ''I certainly did. She found out I wasn't there."
In a local match, the umpire was being jeered and heckled unmercifully from the crowd. At length he walked over to the boundary and sat down next to his chief critic. "What are you doing?" asked the spectator. "Well," said the umpire,"it seems you get the best view from here."
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?
A. So they can at least say they passed a century.
The two clubmen were talking. "So you had a hard time explaining the cricket game to your wife, eh?" ''I certainly did. She found out I wasn't there."
In a local match, the umpire was being jeered and heckled unmercifully from the crowd. At length he walked over to the boundary and sat down next to his chief critic. "What are you doing?" asked the spectator. "Well," said the umpire,"it seems you get the best view from here."
Middle of a hat-trick
The batsman was out on first ball. On the long walk back to the pavilion he had to pass the incoming batsman, a supercilious rival. 'Hard luck, old man,' smirked the newcomer. 'Yes. It's a shame I had to be right in the middle of a hat trick.
An American who knew nothing of the game had been taken to a few cricket matches by a friend and was now studying the end-of-season averages. Every now and then he came across an asterisk and the words: 'Signifies not out.' Finally, he turned to his friend and said: 'Why don't you get this guy Signifies to play for your side? He's never out!'
Back in the pavilion, the batsman was talking to a team mate. 'I can't understand it,' he said 'The ball hit my head and the wicket-keeper caught it, but the umpire gave me out. His friend looked sympathetic. 'Sometimes they go by sound.'
The cricket fan had dragged his wife and child along to the ground to watch the local side. He watched with interest, but they were plainly bored and shifted uncomfortably in their seats. The child brightened and turned to the mother. 'They just shouted 'Over', she said. 'I know.' replied her mother, wearily, 'but don't take any notice. It goes on and on and on.'
'I'm proud to say that in thirty years of playing cricket, I've never scored less than twenty five runs and never taken less than three wickets,' said George. 'I wish I could say that,' said Ted. Harry spoke up. 'Well, why don't you? George just did!'
An American who knew nothing of the game had been taken to a few cricket matches by a friend and was now studying the end-of-season averages. Every now and then he came across an asterisk and the words: 'Signifies not out.' Finally, he turned to his friend and said: 'Why don't you get this guy Signifies to play for your side? He's never out!'
Back in the pavilion, the batsman was talking to a team mate. 'I can't understand it,' he said 'The ball hit my head and the wicket-keeper caught it, but the umpire gave me out. His friend looked sympathetic. 'Sometimes they go by sound.'
The cricket fan had dragged his wife and child along to the ground to watch the local side. He watched with interest, but they were plainly bored and shifted uncomfortably in their seats. The child brightened and turned to the mother. 'They just shouted 'Over', she said. 'I know.' replied her mother, wearily, 'but don't take any notice. It goes on and on and on.'
'I'm proud to say that in thirty years of playing cricket, I've never scored less than twenty five runs and never taken less than three wickets,' said George. 'I wish I could say that,' said Ted. Harry spoke up. 'Well, why don't you? George just did!'
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